An Unnecessary Physical Exam
submitted February 10, 2003
I’d sooner go to hell than be sitting in the waiting room of a Doctor. But here I was, waiting to have a complete physical, which was a requirement for my new job. The company had made all the arrangements, so all I had to do was show up. At only 25 years old, I can’t even recall having a physical except maybe in high school for sports or something.
After filling out some silly paperwork, I grabbed several magazines to pass the time. Waiting over 30 minutes, I was becoming rather agitated, but finally decided there was nothing that could be done. I simply cooled my jets and continued reading the out-of- date magazines.
Finally a nurse came to fetch me. She directed me to the lab, where blood was drawn from my arm. I about fainted. Then she handed me a cup, informing me that a “urine sample would need to be collected.” I went to the restroom and pissed in the cup, returning it to the lab.
The nurse then showed me to an exam room, with the standard comment, “the Doctor will be with you shortly.” I parked myself on the exam table and waited.
About 15 minutes later, the Doctor entered the room. He looked like an okay guy, probably late 30’s or so. After introductions, the Doctor reviewed my paperwork and started asking some questions.
“Well Cory, it looks like everything’s in order here. Let me start with some basis questions,” said the Doctor.
The questions were almost predictable. Like, do you smoke? “No.” How much to you drink? “Occasional beer or wine.” Any chest pains? “No.” Do you have regular bowel movements? “Yes.” Any pain in your abdomen? “No.” Does your family have any serious medical history? “No.” Do you masturbate? “Never.” That answer got kind of a smirk from the Doc.
“Okay Cory, let’s get started. Please disrobe. You can hang your clothes over there on the coat rack,” said the Doctor. I about shit! He wanted me to remove all my clothes? Well, I guess he is a Doctor. I removed my shirt, shoes and socks. Next my pants came off, leaving me with only my jockeys. “Those too,” said the Doctor. Well, okay, it was worth a shot. I removed my underwear and was standing naked before the Doctor.
“Good!” said the Doctor; “First, I want to take your temperature with a rectal thermometer. Just bend over on the exam table and spread your legs about 3 feet.” My God, he was going to stick something up my butt?
I bent over and spread my legs. The Doctor inserted the thermometer up my ass, leaving it there for what seemed an eternity. It actually hurt. Finally, the Doctor removed the weapon, noting “98.6” on my chart.
“Okay Cory, just step over to the scale,” said the Doctor, as he recorded my weight. Next he took my height.
“Just have a seat on the exam table Cory,” said the Doctor, “and we’ll continue.”
For the next several minutes, the Doctor checked ears, nose, throat, etc. Heart and lungs were next. “Good!” exclaimed the Doctor, “everything seems to be in good working order!”
“Next, I’m going to do an EKG. Just lay down on the table,” said the Doctor, as he pulled out the leg extension. I was obviously in my most vulnerable position, laid out, face up, and fully naked.
The Doc rolled the EKG machine over to the table and hooked me up. Starting the machine, the needle started going up and down. The Doctor cautioned me to be complete still. As the test proceeded, the Doctor had his eyes fixated on the needle. After about five minutes, he shut down the machine and removed the electrodes, or whatever you called them. I was still laying flat on the table.
The phone rang. The Doctor answered, and mumbled something. “Cory, if you’ll excuse me for just a minute, we have a little emergency. I’ll be right back,” said the Doc.
Five minutes passed. It was cold in the exam room, and my uncircumcised dick had shriveled up resulting in an embarrassing small package. Suddenly the door opened. It was the nurse.
“The Doctor will be with you in five minutes,” said the nurse, as she stared momentarily at my manhood. God--how embarrassing!
Finally the Doctor returned. “Sorry about that Cory,” said the Doc, somewhat apologetically. The Doctor stepped to the sink and began washing his hands.
The Doctor then used both hands to press firmly on my pecs and abs. “Any pain there, Cory,” asked the Doc? No was the response.
“Cory, I’m now going to examine your penis and testicles. Just relax,” said the Doc, as he snapped on some latex gloves. Oh great, just what I need.
The Doc picked up my penis in one hand, carefully examining the shaft. “I’m going to peel your foreskin back to exam your gland, so just relax,” said the Doc. I was tired of “just relaxing.” Then it happened. My dick started a slow ascent upward. As the Doc examined my testicles, my erection became more pronounced. “Hey Doc, I think I’m getting an erection,” I said in the full interest of disclosure.
“Yeah, that’s okay Cory, we’ll need a sperm sample anyway so don’t worry about it,” commented the Doctor. A sperm sample? How was he going to obtain that?
“Cory, I’m concerned about your excessive foreskin,” said the Doc, “Does it fully retract during sexual intercourse or masturbation?”
“Ah, yeah I think so,” noting that so far it hadn’t moved much during my current state.
“Well, we’ll get to that later,” said the Doc, as he told me to get up and prepare for a rectal exam.
I bent over on the exam table and spread my legs the requisite three feet. Doc spread some lubricant up my crack. It was cold. He then inserted a finger up my butt hole, apparently looking for my prostate. Suddenly he found it, and my heart skipped a few beats. I could feel my erection getting harder and the foreskin rolling off the head onto the shaft of the penis.
“Cory, I don’t like what I feel in there,” said the Doc, “so I’m going to expand my examination. Just stay put.” So there I was, bent over on the exam table with my legs spread dangerously apart exposing my hole.
“Okay Cory, I’m going to insert this scope into your rectum to get a better look,” said the Doctor, as a tube the size of a beer bottle found its way into my ass.
“Ouch!” I said, as the Doctor continued with the exam, “Doc that hurts like hell!”
“Yeah, I know…we’re almost done,” the Doctor assured me as tears came to my eyes.
Finally the scope was removed from my rectum and frankly none too soon.
“Well Cory, I may want to take another look up there, but let’s move on,” said the Doc as I continued in my awkward exposed position. “Okay, let’s get that sperm sample,” exclaimed the Doc, directing me to turn around and face him as he continue to sit on the small stool.
I turned around and faced the Doc, still sporting an erection. The Doc placed some lubrication on my dick and very methodically moved his thumb and index finger up and down my shaft together with my foreskin. His left hand was holding my balls, slowly massaging them as he continued stroking my dick.
“Cory, just place your hands behind your back and spread your legs a little more please,” requested the Doctor.
This continued for about five more minutes, with silence on the part of both the patient and Doctor. I’m kind of looking at the ceiling during all this, while the Doctor was staring at my manhood. “You’re taking a little bit longer than usual Cory. When was the last time you ejaculated?” asked the Doc.
“Ah, actually this morning” I said truthfully.
“Oh, well that might account for it. I hope we get a good sample,” said the Doc as he continued his treatment.
Finally I felt that little twitch in the head of my dick that all men do when they’re about to cum. “Ah, Doc, I think I’m about there,” I said, with some degree of anticipation.
“Good!” said the Doc, as he reached for a container to hold the “specimen.”
“Doc!” I shouted, “Here it comes!”
Doc grabbed my throbbing dick and inserted it into the waiting jar. Trying to remain professional, I attempted to control my convulsions as the fluid exited my piss hole.
Almost immediately my dick went limp, with the foreskin folding itself back in its rightful place. “That was excellent Cory!” said the Doc, as he sealed the specimen bottle for delivery to the lab.
“Okay Cory,” said the Doc, “I need to take one more look at your rectum. Please resume your previous position.” God, I’d been fully naked for at least 45 minutes and no telling when we’d be done.
The Doc lubed my crack up once more and inserted a tube, which had to be larger than the previous one. Plus I think he’d gone a little deeper this time.
“Doc, it hurts!” I said with obvious pain in my voice.
“Yeah, I know…hold on, we’re almost done!” reassured the Doc.
Naturally I sprouted another erection. Finally the Doctor was removing the tube from my throbbing rectum. As the end of the tube came out, I heard my hole go “Pop!” as it smacked shut.
“Okay, we’re done!” announced the Doc, “You can get dressed now!”
The Doctor then pronounced me in good health as I was hastily getting dressed. I was certainly glad this was over with! Luckily, my erection had subsided.
On the way home, my butt hole hurt like hell. I couldn’t imagine having that thing stuck up my butt ever again.
Arriving home, I grabbed a beer and noticed there was a message on the answering machine. I hit the “play” button.
“Cory, this is Monica at XYZ Industries. Late this afternoon, our company has been bought out by one of our competitors. Regretfully we will have to retract our offer of employment. I certainly hope this doesn’t cause you any hardship.”
You have got to be kidding me! A now thoroughly worthless physical exam coupled with no job!